A Dream to Fly

Dear Tumblr,

Oh how I’ve missed you. When’s the last time I even posted on here? It’s just been too long. Right now I’m laying in my bed with a broken heart and a swollen mouth from getting my wisdom teeth removed, yesterday. Surprisingly, I’m recovering a lot quicker that anyone had thought I would. I only had to take one Vicadin (sp?) despite the fact that I could have taken like 15. There isn’t much pain, just a lot of swelling.

Funny how I’m recovering so quickly from the surgery and not the broken heart part. Does anybody have any advice on that subject? Seriously though, I think we broke up over six months ago. We dated for roughly a year and a half and then it just stopped. Everything stopped. He disappeared for a week. Then when we tried to make things better, we both felt, different. I know I’m not in love with him anymore, and I know that I don’t want to date him again. Just the other day he told me that I’m “a bitch and should go fuck” myself. Yea.. crummy, right? Exactly. He did apologize, and I forgave him, because I know he was just angry, but still.

Ever since.. everything, I haven’t been able to figure out my feelings. My heart is so mixed up and flustered. I’ve had about 8 possible guys in my life, but I don’t want to date any of them. I’ve had innocent fun with all of them, nothing to extreme, only some kisses, but nothing more. I’m not sure I could handle anything else.

I don’t even know if I want to get married, ever, at this point. Too much commitment, what if I chose the wrong person? That would be scary.

p.s. My dream to fly? Yea, it’s crushed. My eyesight = Not nearly good enough, even if it got corrected. Sigh =(

Kate Voegele Rocks my Ears.

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But Im just surviving
I may be weak but Im never defeated
And Ill keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I’m having a very oxymoronic day. And right now I’m going to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in 3D with one of my very best friends whom is basically a brother. This is going to be a promisingly fun afternoon.

(500) Days of Summer is a wonderful movie with a perfect soundtrack. Nuff said.

I think the worst part is that I know I’m putting myself through all of this pain. I could prevent it, just admit that I still love him. I see it now. I really do. But I can’t admit it, I can’t admit that I’m wrong. I keep trying to move on, trying to see other guys, trying to feel that special something with someone else. And when I think I actually do, when I feel a connection, something always comes up. Like, as if it definitely wasn’t meant to be with that other person. Something is always going to get in the way because fate wants me to be with the person that I keep pushing away. I’m scared of him. I’m scared of him because he’s the only person that has the capability of hurting me the most. That’s the most super cliche thing to say, but you don’t realize how true that is until you personally have the feeling inside of your own soul. And I have it now, and I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want anybody to have that much control over me, ever. I can’t do this. I never want to be in love. But I can’t say that, because I already am. I don’t want it. Who even says that? Who says that they don’t want love? I do, someone who’s been through so much loss that I know one hundred percent that I would never be able to handle any more, not even a little bit. I can’t let that happen, I can’t let myself fall apart anymore. I need to pick up the pieces and be strong for myself.

We broke up. I thought I had moved on. I found another great guy, you don’t know that yet. But when he asked me out I couldn’t find it in me to say yes. And now that I find out you are crushing on another girl, I’m completely broken inside again. I can’t do this.

Some lady called me today from a restricted number. She yelled at me for having her phone. It was CLEARLY my phone that I was holding in my hand. After about five minutes of trying to get her to tell me what her number was so I could see if she had the wrong number.. she finally told me her number. Bravo for someone not typing their OWN phone number correctly. Gosh, the nerve of people.

Yes, I’ll be broken hearted. Blue, since the day we parted. Why why, did I ever let you go?

I really want to fluently be able to speak either french or german. Or latin, that’s a good choice too.

I like visiting my cousins. They’re only a town away but the people there like love me. It makes me feel so good about myself.