I think the worst part is that I know I’m putting myself through all of this pain. I could prevent it, just admit that I still love him. I see it now. I really do. But I can’t admit it, I can’t admit that I’m wrong. I keep trying to move on, trying to see other guys, trying to feel that special something with someone else. And when I think I actually do, when I feel a connection, something always comes up. Like, as if it definitely wasn’t meant to be with that other person. Something is always going to get in the way because fate wants me to be with the person that I keep pushing away. I’m scared of him. I’m scared of him because he’s the only person that has the capability of hurting me the most. That’s the most super cliche thing to say, but you don’t realize how true that is until you personally have the feeling inside of your own soul. And I have it now, and I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want anybody to have that much control over me, ever. I can’t do this. I never want to be in love. But I can’t say that, because I already am. I don’t want it. Who even says that? Who says that they don’t want love? I do, someone who’s been through so much loss that I know one hundred percent that I would never be able to handle any more, not even a little bit. I can’t let that happen, I can’t let myself fall apart anymore. I need to pick up the pieces and be strong for myself.